14th
I listen to songs on repeat
We think a lot of thoughts we cannot control. I wish I could control what I was thinking. I don’t want to think the things I’m thinking anymore. I try to focus on my breathing so my mind’s not so busy. It’s hard to sleep sometimes when I keep thinking. I’ve tried focusing on my breathing to meditate myself to sleep—no avail. I even tried counting sheep. Counting sheep actually worked or maybe I was just more tired than usual. I hate not being in control. I can’t stop these annoying thoughts from rushing into my head.
I’ve been having dreams again. I hate waking up and realizing they are just dreams. There are a lot of things I want to say out loud, but I know it’s safer and smarter to just stay quiet. Can you hear me?
Why do so many people have the impression that I’m always succeeding and hard working? I suck. I’m not on top of my work when I’m supposed to be. I watch a lot of tv. Yet people think I’m going to be the successful one. They tell me I can’t be a gold digger when I’ll have gold diggers at my feet. They tell me I don’t need to worry about getting into med school because I’m doing beyond well. They tell me to stop complaining because I have nothing to worry about when I study the way I do. You don’t know me. If you feel that way about me, why is it that I always feel like I’m never doing enough?
I’m choosing a specialty that will pay the least of all doctor professions. I don’t like the spotlight. I like being the costume designer and script writer. I rather be the fairy godmother than cinderella. I like being the supporting actress. I wouldn’t mind being a trophy wife or a house wife. I like domestic work, but I love science too. I’m not the cut throat/ambitious type. I feel like I’m the soft fuffy bunny amongst the competition. I’m just trying to survive, but I am soft.
Another random thought, I don’t like making people feel uncomfortable. I like to believe that I’m good at making people feel comfortable. So I wll retreat from you when I feel things are awkward. I would never want to put you in a situation where you’d rather not be around me or talk to me.
I really should’ve stuck to my plans. Clean cut. Now things are circling to doom-age again. foo-ey.
hopping away,
Jennifer
edit: POINT PROVEN!
alanlukus: what are you reading
me: mcb 104
alanlukus: omg
me: fun reading
alanlukus: it’s saturday night lol
you’re intense
me: THIS IS MY KETCHUP WEEKEND
YOU ARE A WHORE
and IM NOT INTENSE
alanlukus: OK OK GO THEN
me: asshole
